Belly of the Beast

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Wednesday, April 17, 2019

YES to the ICJ Cash

It was vaguely reminiscent of the old PetroCaribe days, those days of plenty when the UDP could mobilize thousands to dance to the biggest hit back then, PetroCaribe Roll It, Roll It. Back then the UDP used PetroCaribe to pay for everything under the sun, including tacos and rum. Ah, the good old days. But still, the UDP managed to dig up enough money to convince a few people to wear YES to the ICJ shirts. Those persons headed over to a Bank around midday on Friday to collect. How do we know? Well we were in the bank when three UDP operatives cashed checks, then sat down right inside the bank to make the payout. Shameless. One by one Belizeans filed in to sign their little voucher and collect. No surprise there, considering that a UDP operative works at the bank and is known to be very chummy with their leader. Better days are coming. Depend on that.

Rocke and Roll

At first we were afraid, we were petrified—to write about God’s specially anointed Pastor Ashley Rocke in this column. Who can blame us after he called down the wrath of God on any in the media who would dare to speak ill of him. Yes he did. So we decided not to, until somebody on our editorial board pointed out that Rocke could not possibly have been referring to God, not after all that he has done in the service of Dean Barrow and this corrupt UDP. So we figured that when he was referring to God in that worshipful, adoring tone he was actually referring to his god, Dean Barrow. And his wrath, we are definitely not afraid of. Rocke is a suckup, a lambiscon of the highest order. Rocke is a man who has spent much of his life on his knees, in worship of his god, a good position to kiss that portion of his god’s anatomy that he is so fond of. But we would like to return a warning to Mr. Rocke, on behalf of the one God. You are not allowed to serve two masters, are you? And you are not to serve false gods, are you? Consider yourself warned.

Please Don’t

On behalf of the entire world, we at the Belize Times would like to issue two urgent requests. The first is to the Attorney-General, Michael Peyrefitte. Please, Sir, don’t ever, ever, ever do that again. Do not move your body in that fashion. We know that you probably believe that you are dancing. But it is upsetting, and disturbing. We realize that you do not have to watch yourself doing it so you may not understand. But the world watched you gyrate your body and we held our collective breaths in horror. Just don’t. Our second request is to those sadistic creatures who stood there recording the Attorney-General doing that thing, whatever it was. Please do not ever record something like that again. Your license should be revoked. You should be flogged. At the very least somebody should take away your cellular phone and break it to pieces in front of you. We won’t speak of this again. Wait. At the Senate yesterday Mr. Peyrefitte exclaimed that he, this fat boy, had the PUP shook. Sir, please don’t sell yourself short. When you danced, you shook the whole world, not only the PUP.

Pendejo

Reliable reports reaching the Belize Times are that the electrician turned Minister Pablo Marin has been declared persona non grata by the people of Corozal after he refused to sponsor any of the bands from Corozal and instead was the official golden sponsor of the band from Benque which won at the Band Fest. Last week the Belize Times told you that Pablo has moved in with his father-in-law Erwin. You didn’t believe us? It appears that the Minister has given up all ties to Corozal and has headed West, following the path of true love. We are told it was one of the conditions before Erwin gave his blessings for Pablo to marry his daughter. Erwin must have heard the same stories we did about Pablo and all his gallivanting around. But we’ll leave that one alone. Time will tell if the old hound dog has learned some new tricks.

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