Belly of the Beast


We Love You Gapi

I swear you people can’t seem to grasp the concept of ‘forgive and forget.’ Yes, we know that Gapi ‘misappropriated’ thousands of acres of prime land and gave it out to his family members. Yes, we know that he used his power to very shadily hold on to about 1600 acres of prime property in Carmelita. Yes, we know he gave his son $400,000 of taxpayer dollars which we will never get back. We know that he’s done some terrible things and we know he has some terrible friends in the north. But Gapi deserves love too. That’s why we at the Belize Times are in full support of him coming back into politics. Please come back, Gapi, so that the people of Orange Walk North can show you how they really feel about you. This week a picture of Gapi at the Immigration office went viral, and a lot of people were upset. Bunch of haters. You keep doing what you’re doing, Gapi. You keep campaigning and you make sure that when elections are called, you’re back in Orange Walk North. Monchi and the people of that division are planning a big surprise party for you.

Taiwan Alert

We at the Belize Times were informed that the Government of Taiwan was on high alert recently as Minister Edmond Castro went visiting once again. The last time he was in Taiwan there was full scale panic and Castro had to be shipped back to Belize as persona non grata after he reportedly fondled the chaperone assigned to him. Castro’s explanation was that the chaperone must have misunderstood, or that there was some miscommunication. This time the Taiwan government were taking no chances. We are told that they refused to assign Castro a chaperone, and instead he was forced to bunk down with Roosevelt Blades, who was also on the junket. We’re not sure if any fondling happened in that room, but if there was, it was probably consensual. After all, Castro has a reputation for hitting on any man, woman or child in the vicinity. But on the bright side, at least no chaperones were hurt on this trip.


Here at the Times, we don’t usually pay attention to nonsense much, especially the nonsense coming from UDP headquarters on Belchina, but we’ve been told there’s a new show coming out of Wave featuring the drunken Jehovah Witness wannabe and some unknown person – somebody said her name is Paula Eck, or something like that. Anyway, there is some godawful noise coming out of there weekdays which we are told they are calling a Spanish talk-show. What an insult that is to the Hispanic community. We figure Fonso figured all that time in barrooms with young Spanish boys gave him the ability to speak the language. If we could borrow a phrase from the saintly PM – Fuh God’s Sake STOP IT. We’d like to suggest that for the sake of the eight people who listen to Wave’s morning show, they should cease immediately. And if that isn’t an option, maybe Fonso could go to the same Spanish class which that same saintly PM goes whenever he has to learn to insert a Spanish phrase into a speech. Cause they are bad. Really bad.