Belly of the Beast


Corrupt Bones

John Saldivar is in hot, hot water. The man who says that he exchanged texts with our chubby Minister of National Security on behalf of the Minister’s good, good buddy Lev will take the stand in a matter of days. There is confirmation of texts between Saldivar and that man who will take the stand, the same man who talks about US$25000 being paid monthly to a UDP Minister for political favours – the same man who says he personally wired funds to the account of another UDP Minister or official. We know, because those in the Faber camp are only too willing to share, that Cabinet has been in shambles since the allegations came out. We’d go biblical and say Cabinet has been a depiction of the Last Supper, except there ain’t no Jesus in that crew. Every last one of them is scum. We notice that John has dodged the media for months now. Facebook has become his comfort zone. We also understand that Saldivar recently proclaimed that he dah God pikni. We are told the Vatican has issued a release disputing that allegation, but we haven’t seen it yet. There’s a low-key betting pool happening in the UDP. Will Saldivar make it to Convention, or will he be sent straight to jail without passing GO. Based on what we’ve been hearing about what’s going to be revealed very soon, we’d advise that you put your money on the latter. Just some friendly advice.

Daddy issues

What’s up with Jamal these days? Well actually it’s been a while now that he’s had a hard-on for Patrick Faber, though not in the literal sense, as far as we know. Stranger things have happened. Anyway. Dean Barrow’s son Jamal Shyne Moses Bin Laden Barrow has issues with Patrick, and we’re recommending an intervention. We know Jamal has had daddy issues dating way back when his pops pretended he didn’t exist. No secret there. He has made outrageously bad songs venting about his deadbeat dad, aka Dean Barrow. But let’s move past that. Why is Jamal attacking Patrick like that? On the street, in every forum and even using his Facebook page, ASSociated Belize Press to accuse Patrick of all manner of things. Sir, we take issue with that. We like Patsy very much, so don’t you be saying all those terrible, true things. Yes we hear Patrick gets violent under the influence of the spirits. But we’re working with him on that. He just has to understand and accept that all men are not created equal in some areas, and then he’ll be more courteous with opposite sex… to compensate. We’re sure of it. It’s not like he goes around cutting off people’s heads or anything like that. We got eyes on you Jamal. Go pay your damned bills.

ASSociated Belize Press

The fight for leadership in the UDP has us up late at night, popcorn and coke in hand. It’s nasty and disgusting and distasteful and revealing and hilarious. All the good stuff. We love it. Saldivar, through Jamal’s FB page, is accusing Faber of being in bed with Dermen, of misappropriating money from the Ministry of Sports, or being involved in all manner of things, and of course for beating up women. Faber is lashing back, pointing out that Shyne is a convicted criminal, and also reminding Saldivar about Mason and of course, reminding the chubby fellow that he (Faber) isn’t the one in the spotlight for allegedly taking bribes from Dermen. It is absolutely beautiful. The thing is – most of the allegations from both sides are true. They know each other. Saldivar and Faber are Cabinet colleagues. They know each other’s dirty deeds. As our friend Boots would say, don’t get distracted by the mudslinging – pay attention to the mud.


Dead Man Walking

Have you all noticed that old man Barrow has a Michael Jackson impersonation going on? We’ve noticed for a while now that he’s been getting whiter and whiter and whiter, like he’s bleaching his skin even. What the hell is up with that? Anyway, we digress. In an interview recently, Barrow stated with his usual sincerity (insert LOL) that the IDB has sent a letter to Imer Hernandez telling him how wonderful he is, and how his work is so magnificent, and how he’s such an amazing contractor. Smelling like roses, Barrow said in that interview. He was right about there being a smell, but it’s not roses. More like BULLSHIT. The thing is that nobody else has seen this letter from the IDB. The PUP who asked for the audit of Imer hasn’t been given any such letter. We reached out to a few sources in the IDB who knew nothing about this letter. Our buddy Imer, the best piece of crap contractor that ever lived, hasn’t come forward with this letter. WE KNOW that if there was such a letter, it would have been made public. Note to the PM – just because you say something is so, doesn’t mean it is. And for a while now whenever Barrow opens his mouth, there’s this stink – and that’s all we’re gonna say about that.