Belly of the Beast


Medical madness

The Belize Times has been able to confirm that the KHMH has terminated the services of two other doctors who had provided a valuable service to the facility for years, and there are more names on the chopping block. According to sources at the hospital, the Government of Belize has cut the subvention to the nation’s largest referral hospital and home of the raccoon. So not only has the raccoon been forced to find better accommodations, but patients are now not able to access specialist services there. This is madness. Dean Barrow sat in front of the nation and talked about the millions and millions and millions which he had been able to source for the Ministry of Health. Let’s be real. There were two tragic deaths from COVID-19, but the pandemic has so far spared the nation. No huge amount of money has had to be spent in health. No quarantine facilities were built. Ask anybody who had to sit in a tent or under a canvas because they displayed symptoms. Where did all the millions go? Health care workers are being punished. They can’t even access toilet paper in hospitals countrywide. They have to find their own transportation to respond to emergency situations. What is wrong with you, Mr. Barrow? You are sick in the head. We demand to know what you did with all the millions that were supposed to go to the Ministry of Health. The nation is grieving for our poor Belize.

Will the Lord Provide?

The Belize Times has been informed that not one, not two but THREE of the UDP clowns who will be going to convention in July to contest leadership of the UNBELIEVABLY DEAD PARTY (UDP) have requested meetings with the Lord – no, not that one. We mean Lord Michael Ashcroft, who has been making his presence felt in a whole lotta circles lately, making a whole lotta people very nervous. In fact, we are also reliably informed that this week, to be exact, the Lord granted audience to one of those very persistent, even annoying candidates who wants to be leader of the UDP so bad that he’s promised to stop beating up women if given the chance. That meeting, we are told, happened mid-week in San Pedro, and while the candidate who went begging didn’t come out smiling, he also didn’t stop at the nearest bar to drown his sorrows. We’ve always heard that the Lord will provide, but this lord isn’t known to dabble in bad investments for a living. And right about now, putting even a dollar into the likes of those four who would want to be leader of the red rabble is the worst possible investment to be made. We’ll check back to see if the other two wannabe leaders, hat in hand, will be granted appointments with the billionaire banker.

Mason’s Man

Sources inside that rotten mess otherwise known as the Undeniably Deceased Party (UDP) have told the Belize Times that a coalition of powerful insiders and financiers have come together to put a political hit on John Saldivar, who was alive then dead and then, apparently very much alive again. Those insiders who claim they vaguely remember when the UDP was a party with some integrity (probably for the two seconds that Dean Oliver had his two-sided machete in hand) have reportedly approached the Prime Minister to deliver an ultimatum to him. We are told that Mr. Barrow has one week to find a way to get Saldivar disqualified in the race for leader, or all hell is going to break loose. It’s kinda hard to imagine what else can go wrong for the UDP, but we’re always hopeful. Other sources in that wretched party say that Barrow has summoned his faithful, very large Chairman, also Attorney General and Minister of National Security, to a meeting at the resort in Placencia this weekend where they will no doubt try to make bad for that wonderful, saintly John Saldivar. As we write this, we’re not sure which images disturb us more – John Saldivar naked in Mason’s bed or Mike Peyrefitte in speedos on the beach in Placencia. Lord save us. The real Lord, not the one who’s busy trying to dodge UDP politicians asking for handouts.

Jamal Again  

This damn Jamal is always into some scheme or another, we swear. We figure he learned how to wheel and deal in prison when he had to find a way to dodge suitors after dropping the soap. This time now he’s come up with this big plan to give away lots in Sandhill to residents of Mesopotamia. According to Jamal bin Laden Barrow, thug turned rapper turned rabbi turned politician, all you gotta do is go to his office and sign up and it’s a done deal. Except that nobody informed the village council in Sandhill which is in charge of the land there. Jamal might be a pro in the pen, but he’s just a young punk in politics and doesn’t understand that you have to actually serve the people well, and you actually have to do things in their best interests. We’d say he should stick to his day job, but that fool hasn’t worked a day in his life. It’s time for all of you to go. Tell daddy to call elections now.