Belly of the Beast


Bam Briggidim Boof

My people, my people. Don’t take your eyes off the big picture. Like my cousin Boots always says…noh be distracted by the noise dah market. On Sunday the Utterly Decomposing Party (UDP) will have a new leader, and that leader will be John Saldivar. Can you even imagine Saldivar as the leader of our little Belize? Of course you don’t have to imagine it because it will never happen, but imagine it. This is the man whose nude picture taken in William Danny Mason’s bed traumatized an entire nation. Saldivar was the best friend of a man who was convicted of cutting off another man’s head. This is the man who is even now being investigated by the Police, along with his entire entourage, because even the UDP doesn’t want him in power. Now tek sense outta nonsense. If even the UDPs don’t want John Saldivar to be leader, then who the hell would? What an este the UDP is in right now. We hear Dean Barrow was talking about his legacy at the last Cabinet meeting and had to stop because all the Ministers in the room started laughing at him. But fun and joke aside – it is time for all of them to go.

Say What?

Okay so explain this again. Jamal Shyne Moses Leviy Bin-Laden Barrow just a few months was leading an Al Qaeda like terrorism move on Patrick. Back then Jamal was so into Saldivar that most of us were convinced that he was the photographer who took that nude pic at Mason’s house, or maybe was a guest rapper at Mason’s boxer parties. But now Jamal has switched, or come out of the closet – whatever you want to call it – and is now into our good friend Patsy. According to Jamal, get this, he was really rough on Patrick, and Patrick took it like a man, so now he’s impressed and wants to be led by the manly Patrick as opposed to the pudgy, porky John. We don’t understand it much either. Jamal appears to be hopelessly confused, but we hear that while in the state pen for ten years, he was very confused too, especially when it came to soap being dropped in the shower. But that’s another story for another time.

Barrowed Time

The Undeniably Defunct Party (UDP) is on borrowed time, and the debt has come due. Dean Oliver tried to pull a last rabbit out of his magic hat, but that there rabbit is done, shrivelled and died. Barrow didn’t realize, until it was too late, that John Saldivar is every bit as nuts as he is, and just as much of a megalomaniac. See, old Dean wanted the party to be in the hands of somebody he could control, so while sitting on the beach in his speedos he could still be pulling the strings. Saldivar, we are told, has made it known that the only man who can pull his strings and push his buttons is behind bars at the Belize Central Prison, and once the convention is done Dean will have to take a long walk off a short pier. So Dean O jumped back behind Patrick, and got his buddy Finny and his son Jamal to do the same, but like Saldivar has been telling everybody – too little, too late. And we know that all the horses Barrow has backed lately have lost – just ask big Mike. Lotta games playing in the UDP, but one inevitable end. Whenever elections are gone, these suckers are going to be gone.

Artificial Brain

We really shouldn’t make fun of people who get old and lose control of their mental faculties, but we’ll make an exception with Sedi Elrington. He’s the artificial man who’s been running for leader of the UDP, but this week he explained that he’s running, but not really running. And he wants to be leader, but he doesn’t really want to be leader. And he thinks that he can win, but he really doesn’t think that he can win. Sedi Elrington, you doddering old fool, the people of Pickstock have a message for you. You ain’t got a hope in hell of beating Mahler in the area, so we understand why you’re pretending to be senile at this stage of the game. Next thing we know, you’ll go on television saying you have to seek medical treatment for your artificial brain so you won’t be able to run. The people have gotten enough of you and your rambling. When that other old fool calls elections, all of you will be gone.