Belly of the Beast

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Astrum

We won’t stoop to making fat jokes in this column today. We won’t talk about how Astrum charged thousands more for excess baggage or how the helicopter used to take Mike Peyrefitte down south had to go into the shop for repairs right after. We won’t even get into how Mikado had to close down to replenish stock after making that ridiculous camouflage uniform. But seriously though, Mike needs to stop his mada R. This isn’t a game where people get to play dress up. The country needs a real Minister of National Security, because security is real business. We don’t need this bozo whose only claim to fame is sitting on a talk show making idiotic comments about not being there yet. Mike had no need to get in that poor helicopter and travel down south. It’s not like he could actually help in the search. All he accomplished was slowing down the search party cause he had to rest every two steps. Oh – and of course, it was a taxpayer funded photo op for the big fellow. We need to get serious. Anyway, we at the Belize Times are happy that Police Officer Ical is safe. We don’t need any more bad news right now.

Chancey UDP

There are reports out of Belmopan that former Minister Porky Pig is furious with his young protégé Khalid after the market fiasco. What a mess that turned out to be. Apparently Khalid, who has decided that he wants out of politics, went ahead and gave permission for a private entity to provide space for market vendors. Except he didn’t tell his fat friend, who promptly took to Facebook (his only battleground these days) to condemn the project. That led to a hell of a situation where Porky had to call in Police to stop the vendors from selling on the property, of course with Khalid nowhere to be seen. Anyway the bottom line is that as is always the case with the UDP, the poor suffer. John has gotten his share of tranches from Lev Dermen, and has slept on Egyptian cotton sheets with Danny Mason. Khalid has managed, somehow, to build a $2M house of his own despite the Belmopan City Council being unable to pay workers most of the time – real miracle worker Mayor. So while the UDP in Belmopan have their bread buttered on both sides, the vendors have to wait in limbo till it’s all sorted out. Please call elections, Grampa Dean. The people are ready.

Saal Beef

Word to the Belize Times is that Jokey Castro, also known as Jumoke – son of Clear the Check Castro – will be taking over the saal beef empire after he was forced to leave the public service because of gross misconduct. At first, we were tempted to praise Grampa Dean for finally finding those things which have been missing since Zenaida’s days and doing the right thing. But here’s the thing. Sources are telling us that Jumoke was not actually terminated. That’s just what they want us to believe. We hear that the man was asked to resign and was offered all his benefits to do so. Talk about sweetheart deals. We know that story of him getting kicked out was just too good to be true. Still, we figure Jumoke will look fabulous pushing a saal beef tacos cart around Belize City. Not that we’d buy from him cause he’s just nasty. Just saying.

Granny Carla

Normally we wouldn’t waste time on failed politician Carla Barnett. Her career in politics speaks for itself. In fact, if she wasn’t a favourite of old Grampa Dean, she wouldn’t even have any sort of political career. It makes us vomit when she takes the podium and rants about the economy as if she has all the answers, because for years she has been in a position to make meaningful change and has done nothing at all. If you put her and Godwin in a crocus bag and turned it upside down, there’s no telling who would pop out. Please call election soon so we don’t have to see these people anymore.

Gunman

Sources in Corozal say that soon to be former Minister of Health Pablo Marin has already got big plans in store for when he is kicked out of office. We hear that he has already picked a location where he will set up a gun range. Apparently he thinks that since he’s already killed a man, that makes him the baddest in the north and people will flock to his gun range to learn from the best. The reasoning makes no sense to us, but remember this is Pablo we’re talking about so we guess it actually makes perfect sense.