Belly of the Beast(1st post-elections)


BLU Bukut

After 12 years of the stinking UDP, the people had enough. Despite COVID and floods, they came out in record numbers to send a message. Our only wish is that Grampa Dean would have stuck around a bit longer to be booted in the ass. We hear he’s already blaming the loss on Patrick and telling people that the UDP only lost because Patrick was a weak leader with a small penis. Okay, so we made up that last part (not the small penis cause that’s true). The truth is that cousin Patrick didn’t have a chance in hell. Nobody in the UDP could have saved that Party. For years, UDP Ministers and their friends and cronies and family members fed at the trough, getting rich while the people got poorer. Gramps thought they had gotten away with it. He figured that his pretty words were enough to fool the people. He figured if that didn’t work, the promise of millions and millions and millions of dollars would have done the trick. But nothing would have. The writing was on the wall a long time ago. The UDP is gone, but we’ll certainly be seeing a whole bunch again, hopefully behind bars.

Sista B Bolts

Reliable reports to the Belize Times is that Sista B, the sister of Grampa Dean, has told him in no uncertain terms that she wants out. Seems that she would have been happy to be in Queen Square under a UDP Government when they could have continued using taxpayers’ money like their own, but it won’t be like that under a PUP government. Now the Dean Barrow clone in a dress realizes that she’s stuck in there without Gramps to bankroll her and without the UDP government behind her and she’s ready to roll out. Our advice to her is just to go and let a real leader get into Queen Square. Allan Pollard is ten times the leader Sista B will ever be and the youth has real love for the people. When we watched that interview with Sista B on Election Day, we realized that the Barrows are very special creatures…special with quotes. Get going, Sista B…the people of Queen Square are ready for real representation.

Crybaby Castro

That interview with Castro when Marconi and the people of Belize Rural North kicked his ass is a classic. The man didn’t cry when Grampa Dean fired him for hustling money in a land scheme. He didn’t cry when Taiwan sent him back to Belize for trying to get too touchy feely with a chaperone. He didn’t cry when he was caught hustling checks from the Belize Airports Authority and he didn’t cry when he was caught in the biggest Visa scam of the century. But that sucker was crying when he got the news that he’d lost yesterday. Now Castro at the best of times is not a pretty sight, but when the camera zoomed in on him and his lips were trembling and his face was all sad and stuff, now that was some ugly shit. And we don’t know why he’s so sad. It’s not like he can’t go back to pushing a cart and peddling tacos on the street-sides. He was better at that than at taking care of the people anyway. We have to say that Castro getting kicked to the curb is one of the highlights of the election. There were many highlight, but this was tops in our book. BAM – political career done Papa Jeff. Haul yuh R!

Little man

We’ve consistently referred to Patrick Faber as the little man, but we swear we had never seen a picture of him naked before. We’ve seen a picture of his old boyfriend John Saldivar naked, and we can tell you, what there was to see was not a pretty sight. We still have nightmares. Anyway so just days before Patrick goes to the polls, there he is in all his glory – though glory is a HUGE exaggeration. Anyway we just wanted to clarify that when we called Patrick little man, we were referring to his character, not his lil dangly thing. Wow, this is awkward. What we really, really mean to say is that we’re sorry for his loss in the general elections, because it seems that he’s lost so much already. Aww hell. BLU all the way.