Belly of the Beast(Post-election version)

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Shameful Shyne

Believe it or not, the washed-up gangster-rapper, convicted felon fondly remembered in the federal pen for dropping soap in the shower, is now in the House of Representatives. It took all daddy’s money and uncle Finnegan’s influence, but Jamal Leviy Moses bin-Laden al Qaeda Barrow has installed himself in Mesopotamia. We wonder if this means he’ll stop kicking his wife. Or not. Who can tell with this guy? Anyway, the story doesn’t quite end there. Jamal has already made it clear to his inner circle that he plans to run for leader of the UDP whenever the next leadership convention is held. According to Jamal, the UDP lost because Patrick wasn’t man enough to lead them to victory. And after seeing that nude of Patrick which circulated just before elections, we’re not too sure Jamal is wrong. Here at the Belize Times, we fully support Jamal’s bid for leadership of the UDP. After all, we’d love to see the UDP in opposition for at least the next couple decades. Go for it Jamal. We got you.

Jules

We don’t always pay mind to retarded cousin Jules, but when we do it’s because he’s being his usual petty, girlish self. This week the pathetic excuse for a journalist went off on the new government of the People’s United Party, showing his true UDP colors. That’s okay. Nobody’s surprised. The fact is that he who pays the piper calls the tune, and the piper, also known as Net Vasquez, father of the moronic Jules, is singing for salvation right now. Instead of taking so much time to invent silly rhetoric about the new government, Jules should explain to the nation about that contract between BTL and Channel 7. Jules should also take the time to explain how it is that Channel 7 owes over 100K in unpaid phone bills to BTL. Normal Belizeans who owe $100 are cut out. How it is that Jules was able to run up over $100K and not get cut out? We figure Jules has lost all credibility anyway, but we hear that based on the findings of a new, credible investigation into the ties between BTL and Channel 7, Jules may find himself on the next side of the mic very soon.

Viagra Man

Net ‘Viagra Man’ Vasquez may well be ordering whips and handcuffs and edible panties from behind bars very soon, a credible source is telling the Belize Times. We understand that Net ran up close to a million dollars in debt to BTL, and we also understand that ALL efforts will be made to collect. If it wasn’t so serious, the image of this probably 200 year old man poring through Victoria’s Secret catalogs would be hilarious. But it isn’t, because BTL is our company. Remember when Dean Barrow made a deal with Lord Ashcroft, behind closed doors, which put all of us in debt to the tune of half a BILLION dollars for BTL? The company belongs to us, and we demand to know how Net Vasquez was allowed to rack up almost a million dollars in debt, and was left at the helm of BTL even after it was discovered that he was misappropriating company monies. We need answers and we need them now, even if it means bringing in the former Prime Minister, Grampa Dean, and making him answer the tough questions.

Jail Time

We don’t want to seem to be presumptuous, but very good sources have indicated that Police will soon be knocking at the door of a former Minister of Works. It’s incredible that this man drank so much of his own Kool-Aid. He didn’t ever believe he and the UDP would lose. Even after the Plus TV exposé which showed the heavy equipment belonging to the Ministry of Works had been stolen and used to work on Montero’s private farm, he didn’t move the equipment. It wasn’t until after elections that Police went to his farm and found the equipment and confiscated it. Montero is typical, arrogant UDP scum, but he won’t get away with it this time. We actually don’t think a visit from the Police will come as a surprise to Montero. We hear that he is expecting the Police, and has a lawyer on standby. That’s only one thing that should be worrying the former Minister. There’s also the matter of those land documents which he left behind in his office. We wonder how Montero looks in bright orange. We think he’d look spectacular.